To the Person Thinking of Suicide
I see you at the bottom of this pit, and I know it’s been hard for you. I see the weight that you have been carrying. You’ve been emotionally broken time and time again; I see your pain. It might have happened all at once, or gradually. I know that you have heard all the clichés before, I could tell you the most common one: “life gets better.” It does, but you’re definitely not going to believe me. Maybe you know this is true, but still think in the back of your mind that it won’t happen for you. There is nothing that anyone can say that is going to make life magically better. Life is hard and crappy and full of disappointments. It will throw you out on the curb in the blink of an eye. Life will turn your entire world upside down. I’m not saying these things are just possibilities, they will happen. Life is like an unrelenting storm in the middle of the ocean. No person can control the weather of your mind. There is nothing I or anyone else can do to make your life better. You are the only one who can change that. I know it may seem impossible to calm the storm, but it is achievable. It takes a very long time to notice a difference, but you can change your mindset. It’s kind of like growing a plant from a seed. You have to plant the seed and continually water it to see growth. Without that water, the plant would die. It wouldn’t develop roots, or a stem, or leaves or flowers. It would just sit there and decompose until someone takes care of it. Your mental, physical, and spiritual health are your garden, and you have to take care of them.
For me, this means reading my bible, waking up early, going on walks, and spending lots of time with my husband and dogs. It’s different for everyone, but you can start with the bible. Start with a verse every day. Then, bump it up to two, then three verses. Then, try a chapter a day. You will notice a difference. The betterment might seem like it’s coming from other things or people, but that is God. You will start to feel His presence everywhere. I can now look at the sky on any given day and my first reaction is, “Wow, God is such an amazing artist.” God is the creator of the universe. He made all the molecules in the air and water. He made you. Now think, if God had just forgotten about one thing- even just a molecule- the world you know would not exist. God has placed everyone and everything perfectly. If He had not made carbon, we couldn’t have been composed. If He hadn’t made oxygen or hydrogen, we would all be dead. He doesn’t make mistakes. Everything has been created and placed according to His perfect plan. You are a part of that. Don’t for a second think that you are not important, because if He hadn’t made you the world would be vastly different. Jesus thought you were so important that he gave his life for you to be with him forever. No matter what happens in this life, you can spend eternity with God if you accept and follow Jesus. This fact has brought me unexplainable peace and joy.
I was 13 when I first thought about suicide. I was in 7th grade, and my friend group had just collectively dumped me. They sent me a list of all the things that they didn’t like about me. I spent that night crying and repeating the list in my head, asking God why He would let them treat me like this. For years, I spent my time going over the list in my head. I treated it like a rule book. Everything they said- I had to stop doing. So, I stopped trying to include myself, and started hating myself instead. It didn’t happen overnight, but that list changed me completely. It wasn’t long after that I started self harming. However, according to the list, I “always wanted attention”, so I hid it. For a very long time, I avoided everything and everyone. I avoided all conflict because I didn’t want anyone to give me another list. I didn’t want anyone to be mad at me or annoyed with me, so I changed myself according to who I was with at the moment. I have changed myself so much over the years, I stopped knowing who I was. I have spent 7 years of my life thinking that I was going to die by suicide. And of course, I had good days- everyone does sometimes. But the overwhelming belief was that I was going to kill myself after high school, because who would care? I dropped out of high school because of this belief that nobody believed in me, nobody cared. I knew that my family cared, but it didn’t feel like it. I was blocking out all the good and only listening to the bad. I listened to the voice that told me to be quiet because “no one cares”. I could be sitting in a room of strangers and think they all hated me for one reason or another. Strangers. Obviously I know that people really only worry about themselves, but I couldn’t believe it. The voice in my head had to be right, because it’s the voice in my head. Why would it lie to me? Only now do I recognize that that voice was lying.
It’s weird growing up with severe depression and suicidal thoughts. Now that I’m an adult, I am trying to figure out what to do with my life. I hadn’t seriously thought about it until now. That voice is changing, too. I no longer believe that I will die by suicide. There is too much that I haven’t experienced or seen. I know that God has plans for me, and He has plans for you too. It takes a ton of work to get out of the pit, but it is possible. God is handing you a shovel to dig your way out. Now it’s your turn to work. Start reading your bible, taking walks everyday, or talking to your loved ones more- just do something. Try one thing today. Then get up tomorrow and do one more thing. Each day try to make progress. It’s going to seem like it will never end sometimes, and the world may seem completely unfair and horrible all the time, but it is definitely better than the bottom of a pit.
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